Movie Reviews: Jason X

"We executed him for the first time in 2008. We tried everything: electrocution, gas, firing squad, we even hung him once- nothing worked."

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Zee's Review:

I don't know what's more incredible: That after "Hellraiser: Bloodlines" and "Leprechaun 4: In Space" someone would want to put Jason in space, or the fact that they did and I actually liked the movie. Now, before I saw this I looked at the poster and thought Cyber-Jason looked gay, and he is- we're talkin' Sigfried and Roy gay. Maybe if it were kept a secret until the movie came out it'd be cool. But don't fret- that monstrosity doesn't appear until the final sixth of the movie- it's mostly old school Jason Voorhees killing a crap load of people... on a poorly rendered CGI spaceship (and the sets in MST3K: The Movie where more convincing). But he does looks cool as shit, second only to his bad-ass style in The New Blood. I don't care what the assholes as New Line Cinemas decided. Kane Hodder IS Jason. Dumb fuckers.

Maybe this comes off so good because it follows the terrible Jason Takes Manhattan and Jason Goes to Hell. If the people who made those made this, it would be called "Jason Goes to Space" and he wouldn't get there until the last five minutes. Nope, this starts out in the not-too-distant future with Jason laying some smack down on a bunch of scientists- including the great DAVID CRONENBERG- before he and a comely lady are frozen ala Time of the Apes, then defrosted in the distant-future by a bunch of teenage

college students and their weasely supervisor. The two are brought on board the spaceship, Jason thaws out, the killings continue. That's about it.

The numerous characters include an unfunny comic relief stoner (who grows weed on his head), a crotchety old engineer named Crutch, and KM-14, a kinda-cute robot who has an odd, sexual-tension-filled relationship with her geeky creator. Robert A. Silverman (Rabid, eXistenZ) appears as an odd dealer in frozen corpses. There's also a bunch of co-ed "Aliens"-style grunts ("Let's smoke this fucker") that take on-and fall before- Jason. The kick-ass leader is Sergeant Bronsky, a stoic black guy (I'd say "African-American", but in the future I don't think Africa or America exists). The fact that this roll is not filled by Ken Forree and/or Tony Todd (they could be a buddy team) is sad and disturbing. Give these guys work! They kick motherfucking ass!

Anyway, the kills. Remember that liquid hydrogen that your high school chemistry teacher froze a rubber ball in? Didn't you imagine him putting his hand or, better yet, his whole head in that vat? I know I did. Well, this has a scene that more than fulfills that fantasy, and it is a little gooey. There's also a kid broken over Jason's knee, a gaping neck wound oozing blood, and Jason dismembers the ship's pilot (off screen), leading to a cool, if a bit computery, explosion. I did like the scenes where Jason is confused by VR video games. Man, if video games were really like the one in this movie I'd never leave the house! The most disappointing scene concerns the fox-a-rific Melissa Ade as Janessa, the wisecracking slutty girl. She's about to be sucked through a grating and into the vacuum of space ("This sucks on so many levels!"). They build it up until you're anticipating a cool, complete dicing with blood and guts and stuff, and then it happens off screen and there's a tiny bit of goo stuck to the grate. Fuck that shit! The scene in Leprechaun 4 when Leprechaun jumped out of that guy's fly and said "Don't forget to use a prophylactic" was cooler!

The dialog is terrible, the characters are nonentities, and the situations are mostly completely predictable. In other words, they followed the "Friday the 13th" guidebook perfectly. Plus, this boils the essence of the original "Friday the 13th" down to one scene- two teens get it on, and then, instead of the expected money shot, the chick gets blood spewn on her face. There's also a hilarious part in a "holodeck" that has Jason revisiting Crystal Lake- and parodying the great "sleeping bag whacking" of part 7.

The ending, which I'm going to sort of give away, so stop reading now if you haven't seen the movie, okay? Stop. Now. The ending has part of Jason landing on "Earth 2". Here's an idea: Ignoring "Freddy vs. Jason", which takes place before this, have the next sequel have Jason in a post-apocalyptic setting killing people. Then send him back in time to, I don't know, the middle ages. A blind ironsmith could make him some armor or something, like an iron hockey mask. Hey, I'm just throwing these ideas out there. Just as long as they don't go back to the shittiness of parts 7-9.

Yes, it's corny. Yes, this has too many CGI effects (that is, it has CGI effects). Yes, this is a supremely stupid movie. But it's a supremely fun supremely stupid movie. Pop open some beers, smoke a bowl, do what you have to to enjoy "Jason X". If the McKenzie Brothers were still around, they'd rate it 5-B. Now you'll have to excuse me- It seems that in the future, all beautiful females will wear embarrassingly revealing blouses and sweaters and various other erotic sundries, so I'm looking for a cheap and efficient cryogenic place to freeze me until then. I've been shopping around, but I think on my budget I can only get my brain, and maybe my cock, frozen. Ta ta!

"It's gonna take more than a poke in the ribs to put down this old dog.... yeah, that oughtta do it..."

Goat's review:

Review, review, blah, blah...

For More Jason Vorhees fun:

Friday the 13th Friday the 13th Part II Friday the 13th Part III Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives! Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday